The biggest news Tuesday wasn't the Houston Astros hitting five home runs in one inning off Nathan Eovaldi, or even the Boston Red Sox fan sitting in the Green Monster seats who caught two of those home runs.

No, the biggest news: Daniel Vogelbach hit a triple.

Let's get this out of the way first: The Pittsburgh Pirates designated hitter is not the slowest player in major league history. That's probably Ernie Lombardi, who possessed a legendary lack of speed. "Ernie Lombardi was a huge man, with huge, oak-trunk legs and huge feet and huge hands and a promontory with nostrils that protruded from a lumpy face," Bill James once wrote of the Hall of Fame catcher. "As he got older, he acquired a huge belly, which he lugged around with a huge effort. His knees were too low to the ground, and his center of gravity was four feet behind him, so that he was never endowed by nature with adequate speed. As he got older, he slowed down, becoming surely the slowest player ever to play major league baseball well."

But even Lombardi hit 27 triples in his career, including nine in his first full season in the majors.

Vogelbach is also not the slowest active player. Thanks to the marvels of Statcast, we can now measure these things. Vogelbach's top sprint speed this season ranks in the third percentile of all players, so 97% of players have recorded a higher top speed. He's been marginally faster than seven catchers, Albert Pujols and Miguel Cabrera, and ... this is weird ... Giancarlo Stanton. I'm not exactly sure what's going on with Stanton. He doesn't run anymore. I'm not sure if he's incapable of running even moderately fast or just chooses not to run.

Whether or not he's zooming around the bases, Stanton, at least, looks the part of a professional athlete. Vogelbach is built like the kid who played right guard on your high school football team, or maybe an undersized sumo wrestler, or the truck driver who has had a few too many greasy meals at the all-night diner. He is listed at 6 feet (which might be generous) and 270 pounds (which might also be generous). His legs are too short for his torso, his torso too large for his legs. From a standing start, it takes him forever to get any momentum going, his arms churning like a salmon swimming upstream, if salmon had arms. He tries really hard to run fast.

When Vogelbach stepped up to the plate for the Pirates in the fourth inning Tuesday at Wrigley Field, he had gone 1,023 career at-bats without ever hitting a triple, the most of any active major leaguer. That wasn't the longest current stretch without a triple. Stanton, for example, has gone 1,347 at-bats since his last triple early in the 2018 season. Yadier Molina last hit a triple in 2017, Cabrera's last was in 2016 and Pujols has gone 3,276 at-bats since his last triple in 2014.

(I looked up the video on that one. Pujols hit a grounder over the first-base bag, and the ball rolled into the corner as Texas Rangers right fielder Michael Choice lollygagged after the ball. The highlight pans to a smiling Mike Trout, who scored on the play and couldn't believe Pujols had hit a triple.)