There are things in this life that are universal truths. Water is wet, fire is hot and Duke sucks. Those first two will never change, but that last one — that one is somehow being debated, and I just can’t handle it.

We live in an era where not only is Duke signing the most exciting players in college basketball, and somehow those players are making Duke cool through osmosis. At least to some people. To me they will always suck. I say that not as a judgement of their quality, but in the same way getting socks as a gift sucks. Duke are the socks given to you by the uncool aunt, the well drink that costs double what it should, the slightly overcooked omelette where the edges are brown. None of them are bad, they just all kinda suck.

The argument for Duke being cool.

In January our own Mike Rutherford made a compelling argument for Duke being cool. It credits their culture overhaul, and bringing in one-and-done players for giving Duke a facelift, and even I, staunch believer in Duke sucking, buys in a little bit.

Then there’s Zion Williamson. Y’all didn’t think I would gloss over him, right? Zion Williamson is one of the coolest dudes in basketball, period. He’s probably going to break a backboard this year and do 100 other ludicrous things we didn’t think possible of a 280 pound power forward. He’s a mix between Dominque Wilkins, Larry Johnson and Charles Barkley — such a bizarre, impossible combo that Ricky O’Donnell just calls him “a refrigerator with wings,” which is a damn sight better than anything I can come up with.