Chelsea area about to confirm the signing of Raheem Sterling, but evidently we cannot go the rest of the summer transfer window without being linked with more unnecessary players to bolster the attack. (And miss out on seven weeks of easy clicks?! Don’t be daft!)

But since Raphinha and Ousmane Dembélé are about to sign with Barcelona somehow — presumably for real money, not the notes grabbed from boxes of Monopoly — we need a new name for the Chelsea rumor mill. Enter Serge Gnabry, ex-Arsenal.