It’s been hard to escape, in recent weeks. The chatter about Liverpool supposedly being interested in signing Kalidou Koulibaly. And today brings a pairs of twists in the supposed transfer saga—a saga that, for the record, we believe to be entirely fictional.

Twist one is that Liverpool and Manchester United are preparing competing €100M offers, with both now willing to meet Napoli’s asking price. Twist two is that Paris Saint-Germain is also entering the competition to sign the veteran Senegalese centre half.

Both twisty tidbits come by way of the French press, which makes some sense given PSG’s name being added to the mix. Regardless, it’s hard to imagine all this chatter is anything but the work of a desperate agent or, perhaps more likely here, selling club.

That’s because it appears a near certainty that, whatever happens when it comes to Serie A’s June restart plans, Napoli won’t be in the Champions League next season. Koulibaly, meanwhile, turns 29 right about the time Italian football is scheduled to return.