We get it. You’re a Bundesliga fan now. You hadn’t set out to become one and didn’t think you ever would be. But now that German professional soccer – and Korean baseball – is the only live sport on TV, you’re all-in.
But, uh-oh, you need a team. What team? They all seem very… German? There’s no telling them apart. And you really need a bandwagon to jump on before the action resumes this weekend.
Not to worry. We’re here for you. We’ve been waiting for this moment for years. We’ve got this. If, like us, you’re cynical, let us guide the way for you. We’ll break them down in their current order in the standings.
Root for this team if you like …
1. Bayern Munich
… predictability. You’ve got so much going on that when you turn on the TV and root for your team, what you really need is a safe bet. Something certain and secure, that isn’t going to let you down. Bayern Munich so dominates the Bundesliga that it’s the favorite to win the league for an eighth year in a row and a 30th time overall. Great uniforms, too.
2. Borussia Dortmund
… patriotism. Dortmund features an American, 17-year-old attacking midfielder Gio Reyna. He has seamlessly slotted in after USMNT captain Christian Pulisic was sold to Chelsea last year to give his countrymen another reason to root for the affable Black and Yellow. Also: if you like budding superstars who say absolutely nothing of note.
3. Borussia Mönchengladbach
… horse-racing. The Bundesliga’s other Borussia is nicknamed The Foals and has black-and-white crests and mostly white uniforms, which makes them look fairly horse-like. Sit far from the TV, take off your glasses and it’s almost like you’re watching the ponies.
4. RB Leipzig
… unconstrained capitalism. RB Leipzig is the centerpiece of the Red Bull energy drink company’s network of soccer teams. Just 11 years ago, the company bought up a fifth-tier team and began pumping in money, purchasing American defender/midfielder Tyler Adams along the way. But here’s the twist. Because of rules in German soccer, the team couldn’t be named Red Bull, like the New York Red Bulls or Red Bull Salzburg. So they had to go by “RB,” which technically stands for RasenBallsport but fools absolutely nobody.
5. Bayer Leverkusen
… drugs. As in, medicine. Leverkusen is one of only two German clubs that has an owner because it was grandfathered into the rule outlawing majority ownership by anybody other than the club’s members. Bayer, as in the club’s name, is also the pharmaceutical giant. As Snoop Dogg put it, the more dedicated, the more medicated.
… sensible cars. Wolfsburg grew out of a factory team at a Volkswagen plant in a city built entirely to accommodate its workers. Volkswagen remains the club’s owner, making it the only other corporately owned team – RB Leipzig found a loophole to adhere to the rules. Oh, also, they have John Brooks, the under-appreciated USMNT defender!