MLB Columns

"Eighteen wins. Eighteen losses. Thirty-six games in the books. One-hundred and twenty-six to go. So, how are you enjoying the new digs, Skip? "I think that our record could be better," Joe Girardi said, smiling thinly, sitting behind his desk, encircled by his daily inquisition, talking about the Yankees New York Yankees ' 6-3 win over the Indians yesterday at Yankee Stadium and their 18-18 standing in the American League East. "But it could also be worse." "

"Wallowing as they are in the sea of mediocrity that currently represents much of Major League Baseball, the Yankees left town Thursday - appropriately - a .500 team after finally getting to flex their home run muscles against the Cleveland Indians and Paul Byrd, who could have used a little extra HGH on some of his pitches. By contrast, Yankee legions could feel heartened that all is apparently right again in Jobaland."

"When the Mets return to Shea Friday, Willie Randolph might be wondering if he's checking his team into Shea Stadium or a psychiatric ward. Or as WFAN's Mike (Sports Pope) Francesa put it Wednesday afternoon: "Mets fans are nuts." Not all of them. Just the impatient, lunatic fringe who, after a grand total of 32 games, and with the Mets a game-and-a-half out of first in the NL East, want Randolph fired."

"Give Ryan Braun credit for leadership Tuesday night when he candidly told our Anthony Witrado in Miami, "It's frustrating; it's beyond frustrating. I'm (bleeping) sick of saying it's early. You can only say that for so long. You can only say, 'It's early,' you can only say, 'It's going to be all right' for so long. "It's time for us to start swinging the bats like we're capable of." It would've been nice to hear that from the manager, but that is not Ned Yost's style. Instead, Yost continues with the Kevin Bacon refrain from "Animal House" that "all is well," when everyone knows that all is not well."

"Does this series mean anything? Of course it does. It's only early May, but at what point do you stop dismissing every series as unimportant? The Cubs need to do something to remind themselves they're a good ballclub. Winning two of three against the Diamondbacks would go a long way in the recollection department. The Cubs also need to remind themselves they have huge goals this season. What better route to self-awareness than through a good performance against the Diamondbacks, who are the best team in baseball right now?"

"You don't talk about playoff previews in May, especially not in Chicago. You do get the occasional rematch, however. The Cubs have themselves one of those this weekend at Wrigley Field. There's one big catch that could get in the way of the Cubs enjoying the visit from the Arizona Diamondbacks, who buzzed through them in a startling three-game sweep in the first round of the 2007 playoffs. It's the young Diamondbacks, not the veteran Cubs, who are playing with the confidence of an emerging force with staying power."

"Perspective is a strange thing at times. See, back in 2005, we never thought having a second child was possible. Heck, I didn't think seeing 2006 was possible. I had just finished up with my last batch of chemotherapy, and we were waiting to find out if the flip-of-the-coin prognosis of my Stage 4 Follicular Lymphoma was going to come up heads or tails... Three years later, I'm supposed to be appalled by the sight of blow-up dolls in a baseball clubhouse?"

"And he misses us. That's the news from Detroit. It's surprising news in a sense. Cabrera misses the near-empty stadium, misses the awful baseball market, misses the unbearable weather delays, misses the team hamstrung by payroll, misses the guys in the clubhouse, most obviously of all."

"Statistics are superfluous with Luis Gonzalez, 40, though, because the numbers can tell you nothing of how interwoven he has been to this sweet surprise of a season. Gonzo'' is one of the vital, indispensable pieces of this team not for what you see on the field but for what you don't see, in the clubhouse."

"Do you remember just two months ago, when people saw that the World Series champion Boston Red Sox were only scheduled to visit Comerica Park once this year -- and people were actually disappointed? Forget that. When the Red Sox finally and mercifully left Comerica Park on Thursday night, I bet the Tigers changed the locks on the visitors' clubhouse. Heck, right now I wouldn't be surprised if the Tigers changed the locks on the home clubhouse. It has been that kind of season."

"Entering Thursday's games, the Central was a combined nine games below .500, one better than the worst (the top-heavy National League West, at 10 under). Not exactly the changing of the guard, now is it? Especially considering that the "washed-up, overrated" East remains top tier in the AL at five games over, or three better than the Central leader. And do you wanna know a secret? That might not change this year. "

"Rockies manager Clint Hurdle is looking for reasons - not excuses - for the team's recent slide. He admits there are moments, however, when he has to wonder if the problems the Rockies and Padres have faced the past three weeks have been in some way a residual effect of the Rockies' 2-1, 22-inning victory that began April 17 and ended April 18."

"Charles Steinberg is a romantic and a pragmatist, a dazzled fan who swept storerooms and compiled statistics for the Baltimore Orioles but earned a degree in dentistry in case the whole baseball thing didn't work out. Steinberg, the Dodgers' new executive vice president for marketing, gets misty about baseball's ability to unite families, but he's unmarried and childless in his 40s. In orchestrating how games are presented and trying to make fans share his love of baseball, Steinberg listens to "the 10-year-old kid that is eternal inside of me." "

"Want to know the most remarkable thing about Josh Byrnes’ first 2 1/2 years as the Diamondbacks’ general manager? He doesn’t need a mulligan. He probably wouldn’t claim Byung-Hyun Kim off waivers again, but in terms of major personnel decisions, there isn’t a single transaction he needs to take back. “He’s done an unbelievable job since he got here,” manager Bob Melvin said. “He’s been right on the mark.”"

"Carlos Gomez has been a Twin for only one month, but the center fielder, who doesn't turn 23 until December, has demonstrated why the New York Mets were reluctant to part with him in the Johan Santana trade in February. Twins general manager Billy Smith said Thursday that Gomez has been what he hoped for and expected when he made the deal. "We had very good reports on him; he has skills that you can't teach," Smith said. "He's young, and we know he's not a finished product yet." "

"Billy Beane is about to be called a genius… again. "I've been called a moron, too," the A's general manager said with a laugh. "I sort of ignore both things." But it's hard to discount what the A's have accomplished through the first five-plus weeks of a season supposedly cluttered with so many "Pardon our dust while we remodel" signs. And it's impossible to disregard the contributions of Beane's latest find. "

"White Sox righthander Gavin Floyd took a no-hitter into the ninth inning against the Twins this week. Last month, he had a no-no going into the eighth against Detroit. And you just know that's causing some indigestion down at One Citizens Bank Way. Floyd, of course, is the former Phillies No. 1 draft choice (fourth overall in 2001) who was disappointing in pinstripes and gladly traded to Chicago for Freddy Garcia before the 2007 season."

"Privately, the Yankees admit they incorrectly handled Alex Rodriguez's initial quad strain. He suffered the injury on April 20 in Baltimore and soon after left the team to be with his wife in Miami for the birth of their second child. Because the club was on the road in Cleveland and because Rodriguez has an iron man history, the Yanks allowed Rodriguez to talk his way back into the lineup without an MRI exam on April 25. "

"Bonds, baseball's all-time home-run leader with 762, should pick the American League team he wants to be designated hitter for, give it a blank contract and have it fill in the numbers. And that team could easily be the Tigers. They desperately need a left-handed bat in their inconsistent lineup, which has been shut out five times in the first 34 games. Last season, the Tigers were blanked three times. The only thing Bonds -- who earned $15.5 million last season with the San Francisco Giants -- should ask for is an attendance clause. "

"• Naked Dancers: Peep Show, $20 for 1/2 Hour" • X-Treme Body Massages with 'Hotties' " • Hot, Wild, Fun—Blonde or Brunette?" — Ads that ran in Wednesday's sports section of the Chicago Sun-Times. Awwww, isn't it sweet of the Sun-Times to go to bat against Ozzie Guillen's bad language and the sexism of the White Sox? My friend Elliott Harris' column ran on a Sun-Times sports page Wednesday with photographs of supermodel Gisele Bundchen in a backless dress and a pair of Playboy Playmates with deep cleavage and bunny ears. Richard Roeper, one of my favorite columnists, concluded his Wednesday column in the Sun-Times with a headline he found on a Web site: " Scarlett Johansson is Engaged, Busty." "Sometimes the headline really does tell us all we need to know," Roeper wrote. It sure does, Rich."

"Slumps — and the hysteria that surrounds them — make ballplayers do strange things. The Chicago White Sox, for instance, offended sensibilities Sunday by bringing two naked female dolls into their clubhouse and arranging bats around them in an X-rated display. Actually, not all of the bats were around their inflatable guests. One of them was ... oh, never mind. Anyway, this is how the White Sox, last in the American League in hitting at .232 (going into last night), tried to get their offense going again — with some unconditional love from a couple of blown-up Baseball Annies. To complete the picture for you, each wore a sign over her breasts bearing an, uh, inspirational message. Call it a Shrine to the Mendoza Line. If the dolls had any effect on the team's fortunes, it was delayed. The Sox managed only four hits that day and four the next before "erupting" for seven runs and 11 hits in a win over the Twins."

"There is a good reason why Jacoby Ellsbury would have no recollection of being caught stealing in a Red Sox uniform: It hasn’t happened. With a pair of steals last night at Comerica Park, Ellsbury improved to 22-for-22 in the majors. He is tied with Minnesota’s Carlos Gomez and Seattle’s Ichiro Suzuki for the AL lead this season, with 13. Close calls? Only one attempt, from last season, stood out in his mind. “Nothing really,” Ellsbury said before the Sox’ 10-9 loss to the Detroit Tigers. “I went on Andy Pettitte last year. I think that was the closest one.”"

"With advance apologies to Hillary Clinton, it takes a village to raise an ace. Or, to put it another way, there's plenty of credit to go around in explaining the stunning rise of Scott Olsen, he of the 2.22 ERA that is tied for fourth in the National League. Everyone from his manager to his pitching coach to a couple of pitching elders to his mother to his anger-management counselor to his catchers and even his agent had to be incredibly proud of the performance Olsen turned in here Tuesday night."

"On the day that Tony La Russa signed a two-year contract extension to remain as Cardinals manager, we sat in his office to discuss his decision to return. With the Cardinals headed in a new direction — going with younger, more unproven players — we wondered whether La Russa would be happy. We have always associated La Russa with high-powered, big-dollar teams and lineups filled with established players. And the 2008 Cardinals were the opposite of that. La Russa caught me by surprise that day when he said he preferred to manage a younger team. Yeah, I was a little skeptical."

"I hope some club signs Barry Bonds this summer. And I hope he leads that team to the playoffs with a fusillade of walks and 450-foot homers. I don't wish for this because I have any rooting interest in Bonds. Whether he never homers again or hits 50 more, my opinion of him won't change. No, what I'm rooting for is the unconventional, a general manager who doesn't give a hoot about disapproving scrutiny as long as Bonds can help his team win. If we're going to create entertainment markets in which we reward those who win at all costs, then by Job, I want some executive to stick his neck out and make this move. Because, make no mistake, Bonds can still be a major help to plenty of teams that fancy themselves contenders."

"The Orioles have completed the second stop on their road trip back to reality, which has featured five losses in six games and a number of fine pitching performances delivered for naught. They have four games left in Kansas City before they play the division-leading Boston Red Sox on Tuesday, so a weekend recovery is not out the question, but this seems like as good a time as any to bail on the notion that 2008 might be some kind of miracle season."

"This is the summer of their discontent. Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens are secret-handshake brothers in a two-man fraternity. They sit in their respective estates, stewing in their own juices, cooling their heels, lying in the beds they've made, and hold on while I try to think of another idiom to complete this cliche grand slam. Twiddling their thumbs in the same boat? Good enough. Neither man has retired, yet neither is playing, and it's the most intriguing story of the baseball season."

"Thank goodness the Barry Zito Reality Show was back on the air Wednesday. Order up 13 more crazy episodes, please! He never fails to entertain: After a nine-day hiatus that only heightened the intrigue, Zito pitched plenty well enough to maintain his spot in the rotation and suggest potentially brighter days. He never fails to fail: Zito was back starting for the Giants and back to losing again, this time by a 3-1 score in Pittsburgh to drop his record to 0-7. So thank goodness, Zito will pitch again Monday, with 0-8 looming large, and we'll be watching. Zito's an event now. "

" Looking back, it's hard to believe that Beane is in such an enviable position of being overstocked with starting pitchers so soon after the offseason extreme makeover. Last season the A's had an injury-ravaged, patchwork rotation. Once the 2007 agony ended, Beane went to work. He traded ace Dan Haren to the Arizona Diamondbacks and Nick Swisher to the Chicago White Sox for a wealth of prospects. Most of them, by design, were starting pitchers -- the type of talent Beane said the A's can't afford on the free-agent market and must develop themselves."

"I was in elementary school when the Mariners drafted Griffey. Not long after, I bought Griffey's first baseball card, part of the 1987 Bellingham Mariners team set, at a card show at the Greenlake Community Center gym. The price, if I remember correctly, was $4.95. That was a major investment, considering my allowance -- my entire weekly income -- was five bucks. (And not a bad investment -- that team set goes for about $200 on eBay. Though, if I'd bought Microsoft stock in 1987, my $4.95 would have turned into about two grand.) The baseball card was the first of many things I'd buy with Griffey's face on it, a cavalcade of goods that matched my interests as I grew older. I bought the Ken Griffey Jr. chocolate bar; I was in middle school. A friend of mine put one in the freezer because he thought it would be worth something someday, but a power outage melted that dream. As a high schooler, I bought "Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball" for the Super Nintendo."

" Should you happen to run across John Moores around mealtime, be sure to pass him some Pepto-Bismol. If the Padres' owner is about to eat Jim Edmonds' contract, indigestion would seem inevitable. But the time has come for aggressive action, and the time has passed when Edmonds could be counted on as a productive ballplayer. "

"Ozzie Guillen didn't deserve to be bailed out by a classy, polite kid with hair combed across his forehead, low on his brow. It isn't news, of course, that Guillen is the clown doofus of sports, a disgrace to a city, a franchise, intelligent humanity and those of us who must chronicle his arrested-adolescent b.s. to the point of ad nauseum. I'm just wondering how he's still employed. If this was bad standup comedy, I'd understand why a trashy nightclub might hire him to humor drunks for $5.50 an hour."

"Do you want to know the saddest part of the Great Blowup-Doll Scandal of 2008? It's that the hitting-challenged White Sox tried to seduce the two female inflatable sex toys and struck out. I don't want to sound like a mother demanding her child eat all of his food because of the starving children in China, but 22,000 people died in a recent typhoon in Myanmar, and we're worried about two blowup dolls in a major-league clubhouse?"

"So now, after David Dellucci's three-run home run had stunned a crowd that had never seen Chamberlain so much as give up a run here at the Stadium, Joba talked as if he wouldn't make that mistake again. "You gotta attack all the time," he said in a contrite tone. "You can't take a pitch off. You never think you're doing that, but you should attack more with the fastball. I didn't attack the zone as much as I should have." Chamberlain wound up losing the game 5-3 to the Indians on a fastball that Dellucci cranked into the right-field seats. And, who knows, maybe this was just a night when he was going to blow the lead one way or another. "

"JOBA has to learn, too. Sure, all those Yankees blue T-shirts proclaim that Joba Rules. But he also has to learn, and now we'll see what Joba Chamberlain is made of, because his baseball life is no longer a fairy tale at Yankee Stadium. This wasn't the midges that beat Chamberlain, it was the 5-foot-10 David Dellucci and some questionable pitch selection from the young right-hander. As the autopsy was going on in the Yankees clubhouse of the stunning, 5-3 loss to the Indians, a game in which Chamberlain surrendered a two-out, eighth-inning, three-run home run to pinch-hitter Dellucci, shocking the Stadium and wiping out a 3-2 Yankees lead. I asked veteran reliever LaTroy Hawkins what Chamberlain will learn from this affair. Chamberlain had proclaimed that this loss will teach him to "attack more with his fastball." "

"A knuckleballer can make you look like hell, and the Tigers need no help in that department. So Tuesday night at Comerica Park had potential ugly written all over it -- even before it started. In that way, it did not disappoint. Against Boston's Tim Wakefield, who turns 94 as you read this, the Tigers looked impatient, imprudent and totally imperfect. This is a floundering baseball team. There's no other way to say it. You could say "slump," but that wouldn't explain the bad defense or tepid at-bats. You could say "growing pains," but these are not all young guys."

"Finally, something happened that made sense. At last, a personnel situation became clearer, saner, more uplifting for a team that had been specializing in weirdness and absurdities even before spring camp convened in Lakeland, Fla. Brandon Inge announced before Tuesday's game against the Red Sox that he's agreeable to helping out at catcher. He will catch as often as manager Jim Leyland wants him to catch in 2008. He will work behind the plate if the Tigers want him to become their full-time catcher in 2009, which is going to be the request, you can bet, after Pudge Rodriguez's contract expires in five months. "Inge came to me," Leyland said, talking about the circumstances that led to a stunning reversal. Leyland dropped the bomb during a pregame chat with the media in his office at Comerica Park."

"On the up side, maybe at this rate the Milwaukee Brewers won't need a closer for a long time. Maybe Eric Gagné is the least of their problems. But for a team on a four-game slide that plays an inordinate amount of close ones, hasn't had a starting victory from anyone not named Ben Sheets in more than a month, endured the devastating loss of Yovani Gallardo, the inevitable meltdown of Derrick Turnbow and doesn't hit well enough - two-hit by another lefty! - to cover its pitching mistakes, May 7 has to feel like late August. What's done is done with Gagné, and all that matters now is the stark reality that the Brewers cannot go on this way."

"Anyone can tell you the 1982 Milwaukee Brewers infield was really good. Baseball analyst Bill James can tell you the '82 Brewers infield is tied with the 1975 Cincinnati Reds as the sixth-best infield in almost the entire history of baseball. He also can tell you those two infields are the best in baseball since 1934 to at least 2000. James recently published his summary of the best infields, outfields, starting five pitchers and top three relievers by decade since the 1870s, at his pay Web site, www.billjamesonline.net. His study ended with the 2000 season. "

"Jose Valverde's worst night became his best. At least that's the way it looks three weeks later. He parked himself in front of a video machine that night in Philadelphia and began looking for a flaw he assumed had developed in his delivery. He saw it almost immediately. Simple, huh? "When I figured out what I was doing wrong, it was easy to fix," he said. He couldn't have known it at the time, but he was on the road back and so were the Astros."

"The standings don't lie. As they awake this morning, the Rockies are the worst team in the major leagues. And the reason is obvious. All you have to do is listen to the crowd at Coors Field. What put the rock in Rocktober, when the home team ran wild, all the way to the World Series? The pounding crack of Colorado bats. Now, when the Rockies swing, they miss, or ground out weakly to shortstop to kill a rally, or leave a baserunner stranded as a scoring opportunity dies. "

"Albert Pujols smote a two-out double to right-center in the first inning of Tuesday night's game and scored, rather routinely, on a single to left. The run he scored in the ninth inning to win Monday night's game wasn't quite so routine. The Cardinals' Mr. April-May-June-July-August-September-and-October scored from second base on a 4-3 slow-roller. Pujols, the most feared, respected hitter in the game, had made the difference on Monday with his cunning, cleverness and daring, but not with his swiftness afoot. "

"Max Scherzer will tell you he and Randy Johnson don't have a lot in common. Johnson is 44 years old; Scherzer is 23. Johnson is a 6-foot-10 lefty. Scherzer is a 6-foot-3 right-hander. Johnson paid his dues in the minor leagues, spending four years on buses and in cheap hotels before making his major league debut with the Montreal Expos. Scherzer didn't even spend one full season in the minors before the Diamondbacks called him up. But there is a bond between the two men, a gift that makes Johnson the perfect mentor for Scherzer these next few weeks and months: "

"With former teammate Gabe Gross racing down the line toward first for the now-exorcised Rays, Johnny Mac tried his preferred pop-up slide again, but this time caught his cleat. The result, as he explained, is usually what he wants. This time, he collapsed in pain. "It's not a good situation," understated manager John Gibbons. "I wouldn't expect to see (him) for the next few days." It was a day of highs and lows for McDonald on a professional basis, with the lowest of lows being taken off the field on an emergency vehicle. "

"Emil Brown's career arc did not suggest that he had this kind of start in him, nor did it suggest that the Athletics would be all that interested in him to benefit from it. He did possess the A's-ian values of being available, well traveled and inexpensive, true, but he didn't seem to quite fit the Oakland mold. Not a lot of walks, an ordinary OPS-plus, and he had passed through these gates before without making a discernible impression. And today? Today, he is playing RBI Bingo. Having driven in 28 Athletics including the first one in Tuesday's 4-2 victory over Baltimore, he ranks second in the American League and fifth in the majors, and by his estimate has pretty much driven them in by every means possible."

"IT WAS AN ambitious project, 20 months of almost daily labor, with private meetings and clandestine interrogations, sold as a search for the truth. It would change the way we look at sports. Maybe even make us look away. Remember the Mitchell Report? Didn't think so. Commissioned by Major League Baseball, it was made public over the winter, exposing rampant use of performance-enhancing drugs among players and the complicity of executives. The report named names, alleged criminal connections and concluded baseball was corrupt on several levels. This 311-page bomb blew up several careers and maimed many others — only to have the fan emerge unscathed and profoundly indifferent. "

"Since spring is late this year, it stands to reason that summer is early. Summer, in this case, refers to the Mariners' annual swoon. Normally an August tradition -- who can forget the majestic arc of 15 defeats in 17 games last year, or the 11 in a row in 2006 against the AL West? -- the Mariners found themselves losers in nine of 11 games entering Monday's home contest against the Texas Rangers."

"It is very early, but you would not want to be Brian Cashman on the final year of his contract with Hank Steinbrenner reading the box scores over your shoulder. Despite all the solid moves Cashman has made over the years involving position players, he has done nothing to convince anybody that he knows much about starting pitching. "

"Girardi said he's going to "work" to "get better" at media relations because "I know how important it is." He said because of Torre's history with the writers, they could read between the lines. "I don't have that history," Girardi said. "They don't understand when I say something what it means." No kidding. "

"And if McNamee knew "stuff" so did other people. Now some that stuff, all of it about other women, some of them alleged to be exceptionally young women, has come out, and Clemens looks worse than ever. So now he comes out with an apology about nothing, an artless, pathetic combination of lawyering and agenting that makes Clemens sound like Bill Clinton saying he did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinksy. Clinton was so good at giving answers about old girlfriends he ended up getting himself impeached. "

"Talk about a cheap publicity stunt: On the night before the official release of his long-awaited book, Mike Lowell goes out and contributes a home run, double and single to the Red Sox’ 6-3 win against the Detroit Tigers at Comerica Park. And you know what that means. With a round of talk-radio interviews on tap today to promote “Deep Drive: A Long Journey to Finding the Champion,” written with the Herald’s Rob Bradford, Lowell won’t have to talk about the injury to his left thumb that landed him on the disabled list for much of April. He won’t have to talk about the .204 average he carried into last night’s game, or that he had yet to hit a home run."

"When Craig Hansen arrived at the visitors clubhouse at Comerica Park yesterday, the first person he looked for was teammate Manny Delcarmen. “One year ago today,” Hansen told Delcarmen. “One year ago today what?” Delcarmen asked. “Cinco de Mayo,” Hansen said. “What about it?” Delcarmen said. “Buffalo,” Hansen replied. And right then and there, Delcarmen knew. He hadn’t been sure of the exact date, but as soon he heard “Buffalo,” Delcarmen knew what Hansen was talking about. Yesterday marked the one-year anniversary of the worst day in the careers of both Hansen and Delcarmen, a day so bad they each came away from the experience wondering if they’d ever make it back to the big leagues."

"Two years ago to the week, the Lerner family and Stan Kasten took control of the Nationals. It's easy to lapse into the pleasures of the May moment with the Nats winning nine of their past dozen games. Why not just enjoy the modest rebound of a team that, after losing 15 of 17, has regained the low-budget respectability of its past two seasons? Why not? Because that's not the yardstick by which the Nationals measure themselves or the standard to which they should be held."

"WHEN I'M King of the World . . . More major league clubs will investigate "momentum pitching" as a viable alternative to the arm-killing, paint-by-numbers, minimalist style that gradually took over after the "no windup" motion was adopted in the 1960s . . . Briefly, former Red Sox journeyman Dick Mills has developed a delivery he claims increases velocity while decreasing arm strain. If you watched Tim Lincecum matching up with Phils No. 1 Cole Hamels, you saw the momentum delivery in action. The Giants' vest-pocket ace towers 5-11 and tips the scale at a robust 170. Take a look at Lincecum's delivery (videos available on MLB.com) and pay attention to four things: 1. His length of stride. 2. His three-quarter arm slot. 3. The low position of his hands as he begins a slow turn and the arm speed enhanced by the momentum generated by the long stride. 4. The high right leg whip on his follow-through."

"First things first. Here's the winner in our search for a Rockies starting pitching slogan to match Spahn and Sain and pray for rain: Cook and Francis, then take your chances. Thanks to the independent authors, Grandma Shirley Stokes and Terry Graves, as well as others who responded. I think I still prefer Cook and then some schnook, but I've been outvoted. So the Rocks took their chances with young Ubaldo Jimenez on Monday against the Cards. For the fifth time in six starts, he failed to make it through six innings. He gave up seven hits and three walks in five innings, keeping to his average of roughly two baserunners per inning. Still, he wasn't awful."

"And now for one of the most common questions I get from frustrated fans in the Rocky Mountain region: Why don't you call for more coaches to be fired? The answer is simple. Because the owners who employ those coaches wouldn't listen to me if I did. Or maybe you haven't noticed the local landscape, the only dot on the pro sports map where coaches aren't hired to be fired. Denver has become the exception to the rule in pro sports. For whatever reason, local coaches are immune from the pressure felt by their contemporaries in other markets. They say they're under pressure to win, but are they?"

"The standings don't lie. As they awake this morning, the Rockies are the worst team in the major leagues. And the reason is obvious. All you have to do is listen to the crowd at Coors Field. What put the rock in Rocktober, when the home team ran wild, all the way to the World Series? The pounding crack of Colorado bats. Now, when the Rockies swing, they miss, or ground out weakly to shortstop to kill a rally, or leave a baserunner stranded as a scoring opportunity dies. And the crowd groans. This team has lost its identity, with each blown opportunity in the clutch, as a Colorado hitter takes another slow walk to the dugout. "

"Torre, sizing up his options after the Dodgers hired him last November, took Alston's old office and gave his coaches the roomier location. He doesn't need a big office to feed his ego. He's sure of who he is and is gradually becoming more comfortable as he settles into his new surroundings. "Looking at the Dodgers' history and growing up with them in Brooklyn, I was just curious if managing could be fun again," he said. "It's been fun so far.""

"If Roger Clemens really wants to restore his credibility, maybe he should buy us all some pizza. In this, the Era of the Insincere Apology in sports, that would be a refreshing treat, wouldn't it? The Papa John's chain did its part Sunday, apologetically offering Cleveland-area customers 23-cent pizzas -- the proceeds plus a $10,000 donation will go to charity -- two days after riling up Cleveland Cavaliers fans with company-sponsored T-shirts at Friday's NBA playoff game in Washington, D.C. The mock No. 23 jerseys included the Papa John's logo and the word "Crybaby" -- a reference to the Wizards' Brendan Haywood calling Cavaliers star LeBron James a crybaby earlier in the series. So, not wanting to alienate its customers, a business decided to make amends. "

"It is customary, after announcing something to the press, to ask if anybody has any questions. But after Dave Dombrowski explained his latest roster moves, I really thought he would ask if we had any answers. On Monday at Comerica Park, Daisuke Matsuzaka confounded the Tigers, which was almost rude; the Tigers can confound themselves just fine, thank you very much. Through three innings Matsuzaka was on pace for the never-seen 210-pitch no-hitter. While the Red Sox rolled out Dice-K, the Tigers just rolled the dice. They dumped their non-hitting leftfielder, Jacque Jones, to help save their non-hitting designated hitter, Gary Sheffield."

"Monday's big switch, releasing Jacque Jones and calling up Triple-A outfielder Matt Joyce, was necessary and probably overdue. You can't wait until June for an outfielder to begin hitting. Jones never showed for two consecutive days that he was going to be any answer for the Tigers' left-handed batting needs. But, as Leyland conceded Monday, "Jacque Jones is not the reason we're four games (now five) under .500." No he wasn't, although Jones did his part. In order, the reasons behind an upside-down start for the Tigers are:"

"It seems that the Jays' long-range planning has once again become shortsighted. Yesterday's questionable personnel move was the knee-jerk reaction that sent 24-year-old Adam Lind to warm the bench for now and the foreseeable future, a mere 10 days after being named starting left fielder. It appears to be another chapter in the Jays' impatient history of, "What have you done for me yesterday?" And it's not even a matter of how well his replacement Shannon Stewart plays in his stead."

"I'm pretty sure that if you got yourself a big federal grant and did a study, you'd find that professional athletes are not - on average - any less intelligent than the general population, but you'd never know that by the headlines. On almost any given day, somebody in sports is proving the timeless wisdom of fictional philosopher Forrest Gump, who was fond of pointing out that "stupid is as stupid does." Case in point: Former Orioles pitcher John Bale, who fractured his hand punching a door Friday in Cleveland."

"Glance at the important numbers -- the record (1-4), the ERA (7.43) and the age (37) -- and what to do with Orioles starter Steve Trachsel seems obvious. Dump him. Cut him and your losses and give his rotation spot to a young pitcher who might be part of this team's future. But it's just not that easy. In fact, it's a surprisingly tough call. Because a team such as the 2008 Orioles needs Trachsel -- or a guy like him -- to get through this season. The bullpen, which has been one of the Orioles' strengths so far, needs a consistent Trachsel so it can stay relatively fresh."

"Meantime, Carl Pohlad has been operating the Twins in the low-revenue Metrodome for 24 years. Pohlad's original investment in 1984 was $38 million, and that now stands at $150 million after more losing than profitable years in the Dome. The Twins finally are getting their version of the X with a new ballpark in 2010. As with Naegele, Pohlad was supposed to pay for one-third of the actual stadium ($130 million of $390 million), but that already has been added to with $15 million to help with land cost overruns and $22 million for ballpark enhancements. "

"If you're Eric O'Flaherty, R.A. Dickey or Jeremy Reed, you know it could be a hell of a lot worse. The Mariners are paying you to play baseball. But you're at Cheney Stadium instead of Safeco Field, playing a day game against the Oklahoma RedHawks instead of a night game against the Texas Rangers. The stage and the crowds are smaller. You know why you're here or can't figure it out, but either way, you've got to keep battling and producing, hoping someone in Seattle will notice. I wondered how they were coping when I spoke to them before Monday's game."

"Roger Clemens is not coming through the door, well, unless you're a lonely lady in need of tall, dumb and arrogant. Clemens was the pro-rated $28 million gift the Yankees presented themselves on the first Sunday in May last year. He appeared in the owner's box, a surprise response to rotation desperation. Twelve months later, Clemens has become both a punch line and a punching bag. Twelve months later, the Yanks were lower key in addressing their rotation plight. Darrell Rasner showed up yesterday with four career wins and no children whose first name begins with a K. But he did have something dear to the genus known as baseball journeyman, and that was opportunity."

"Well, I guess this is it and there's nothing left but to accept it: We have come to the end of the Phil Hughes-Ian Kennedy era. Who could have possibly seen it coming? And yet, here we are, the first week of May, and the two whiz-kid starting pitchers, on whose sturdy right shoulders GM Brian Cashman had invested not just his reputation but the whole 2008 Yankee season, are both out of the rotation with no timetable for any return. "

"The losses are mounting. They fan the flames of discontent. Fans are growing frustrated and the drumbeat for change has begun. More was expected from this Mariners season. More is expected. The franchise didn't give up a healthy chunk of its future — Adam Jones, Chris Tillman and more — for left-handed ace Erik Bedard, to battle Texas for last place in the American League West. But as the team returns from its 1-5 road trip that followed a 2-4 homestand, that is exactly where the Mariners find themselves. They are 0 for May, following the weekend sweep by the Yankees. They aren't hitting. They aren't fielding. And they are squandering some of the best starting pitching in baseball (Carlos Silva's first disappointing start of the season Sunday being a rare exception). It wasn't supposed to be like this. This team was built to contend."

"The hitters will tell you when you're finished. That's been true ever since Cy Young was still a pitcher and not an award. Former 20-game winner Matt Morris, even at 32, found this out recently in Pittsburgh. Randy Johnson, with an ERA pushing five, may be finding this out in Arizona, and he will hardly be the last hurler to get the memo in such a cold, cruel fashion. Greg Maddux? He may be 42 and the Marlins may have cuffed him around for 11 hits on Sunday, marking the second time in four starts he has surrendered at least that many, but something tells you he will be smart enough to get out while the getting's good. He certainly isn't going to stick around just to pad his already Cooperstown-worthy numbers."

"So let’s get picky for a moment, because when you’re talking about tight competition in a division for long stretches, you’re also talking about little things becoming big things. Actually, this is a big thing: Courtesy of injuries and whatever else, the Braves starting pitchers are pathetic regarding baseball’s most underrated statistic, which is innings pitched. The more innings thrown by your starters, the less thrown by your relievers. Not only that, the higher probability you’ll win more than you lose."

"Even Berkman on one of his best days couldn't drive in runs quite as fast as Chris Sampson was allowing them. The Astros needed every contribution - big or small - they could get from Berkman, every clutch pitch they could get from their bullpen, every pinch hit they could squeeze out of their beleaguered bench players to pull out an 8-6 victory. The Astros had to work 12 innings to give a crowd of 38,301 a happy ending. Cooper used seven pitchers and all 13 position players in pursuit of the Astros' third consecutive victory. "

"Even if it sometimes seemed like you could prepare a four-course meal in between some of his deliveries, Jon Lester succeeded yesterday in extending the Red Sox’ streak of quality starts. In stark contrast to last month, when the team’s starters routinely forced manager Terry Francona into his bullpen in the middle of games, Boston’s starters have regularly pitched through the sixth — and often deeper — of late. "

"The Rockies beat the Dodgers 7-2 on Sunday. All they have to do now is win 20 of the next 21, and they'll be right back in the division. Stop fretting. With a 12-19 record, the Rox are only one game off last season's 13-18 pace at this time. And, as some will recall, they went to the World Series. "

"What a difference a little starting pitching makes. Perhaps you remember Spahn and Sain and pray for rain. This became a motto of sorts for fans of the 1948 Boston Braves, who had Warren Spahn and Johnny Sain at the top of the rotation and then . . . not much. The Rockies, as you may have noticed, have an even shorter list of reliable starters. Since climbing to 8-8 on April 16, they are 4-11. Aaron Cook (5-1, 2.40 ERA) has all four wins, including another stellar outing Sunday. Unfortunately, winning once every five days is unlikely to put them in position to defend their first National League pennant. Hence the need for a new slogan. Here are a few ideas. Feel free to add your own:"

"Talk about being all dolled up with nowhere to go. The Chicago White Sox, who have been scuffling trying to score runs in a way reminiscent of, say, a certain local team about two weeks ago, engaged in a bizarre piece of pre-game clubhouse theatre yesterday. They tried to revive their bats with a couple of blowup dolls on the clubhouse sofa, with baseball bats posed in strategic positions that don't entirely suggest propriety dominated the exercise. Here's the problem, though: They were facing Roy Halladay, and not just the garden variety Halladay, but a Halladay due for run support and an absence of killer luck."

" Over in the White Sox clubhouse, they had some sort of pagan ritual going, trying to energize their anemic offence. The less everyone knows, the better, but it did involve maple bats (not syrup) and inflatable dolls. Just so you know, nobody over in the Blue Jays clubhouse was laughing. After the struggles they've had at the intersection of Bat and Ball this spring, the Jays probably were curious if it might work because, well, desperate times call for desperate measures. Fortunately for the Jays, they have a pitching staff that has piled the entire team on its shoulders just now. That includes yesterday's 4-3 victory over the Chisox in which Roy Halladay, who came in having pitched four complete games in a row, probably felt like a part-timer, seeing as he only pitched 71/3 innings yesterday. What a goldbricker. "

"As the Diamondbacks won series after series in April, and their hitters pounded balls over fences and their pitchers turned bats into kindling, it was fair to wonder: Is Arizona really that good? Sorry, but no. The Diamondbacks were never going to win 120 games or clinch the National League West by August. In a sense, then, their red-hot April was a bit of fool's gold."

"Let's not assert that the Padres should just pack it in now. Nor that the Dodgers and Rockies and Giants should, either. We can't say with full conviction that if you're not the Arizona Diamondbacks, your chances of winning the NL West are zero. Even though, well, they probably are. All that stuff about the first month being meaningless in the long run? Just stuff, as it turns out. Statistically speaking – and does baseball speak any other language? – Arizona would be defying the odds and history by not finishing the regular season as repeat champions. "

"On a strict cost-to-benefit, dollars-to-innings ratio, the rebuilding Twins signing their 33-year-old closer to a lucrative long-term contract this spring didn't make much sense to a lot of people. Here's when it makes sense: When you've just clawed back from a 6-0 deficit to take a 7-6 lead into the bottom of the ninth, the fleet Curtis Granderson is on second, and the powerful Miguel Cabrera is standing at the plate, threatening to tack an ugly ending onto a wonderful homestand. Sunday gave us one of those iconic baseball moments -- elite closer facing elite hitter, closer cuts loose, hitter takes a cut ... And, this time, misses."

"A year ago, Joe Mauer was playing hurt. Finally, on May 6, the Twins catcher went on the disabled list because of a strained left quadriceps. He didn't return until June 8. His inactivity was one reason the Twins were in first place for only one day last year. This year, a healthy Mauer drove in the tying and go-ahead run Sunday against Detroit after the Tigers had taken a six-run lead in the first inning. He has hit safely in 14 of 15 games, hitting .404 during that time, as his average has gone up from .238 to .333. As Mauer has surged, so have the Twins, moving two games over .500 and into first in the American League Central."

"It's always seemed rather surprising that Mexico hasn't produced more great major leaguers. The climate is perfect. And there is a long and glorious history of baseball in that country, complete with national stars and local legends. About a hundred Mexicans have made it to the big leagues over the years. That's a small number compared with Dominicans, Venezuelans and even Cubans who have made it. Those are countries with similar climates and traditions. Some time ago, maybe a year or two, I mentioned this to Mexico native Dennys Reyes, a Twins relief pitcher. He noted that his country was soccer crazy, and that "football" had priority among the youth. Then I asked him a trick question: Who was the greatest Mexican ballplayer ever? Reyes didn't hesitate. "Fernando," he said"

"To best describe how A's starter Greg Smith pitched Sunday, let's listen in on the sixth-inning call by A's radio voice Ken Korach: "He has eviscerated the heart of the Texas order." Eviscerated? Sounds like a word we missed on the SAT. Our trusty online dictionary defines that verb as, (1) to disembowel, or, (2) to remove an organ from (a patient). That's basically what Smith did in his six innings of work, without all the yucky blood and guts. Not only did he post 10 strikeouts -- the most in a game by an A's pitcher this year -- but eight K's came against the Texas Rangers' 3-4-5 hitters."

"A baseball season is a progression, almost monthly, from the anticipation of March through the benediction of September, with the truth unfolding in the interim. The A's sailed through spring training in March and the introductory phase of April, exceeding the relatively modest expectations of everyone outside their circle and maybe a few within. They posted a 17-12 record, which projects to about 93 wins. "

"The Angels reached into Salt Lake City for another Bee over the weekend. Obviously they aren't allergic. This time it was Sean Rodriguez, waiting "in the hole" to bat after the on-deck man did. He started getting these frantic hand signals from Bobby Mitchell, the manager of the Triple-A Bees, and he packed hurriedly and got to the airport. On Sunday morning he walked into the Angels clubhouse, where the first thing you see is a bulletin board. The most prominent bulletin is the lineup card. Rodriguez was on there, batting ninth."