"Most people can't relate to Shawne Merriman — never having been homeless, never having been a millionaire.

And Merriman will not attempt to see eye to eye with those who don't get him.

"My only intentions are to be myself," he said.

As he spoke late Tuesday night, Merriman stood in his kitchen, immaculate except for the dirty gym clothes on the counter. (Yes, he is working out and looks it. Several hours a day, he's in the gym and running on a field and in yoga.)

Outside the glass doors, beyond the expansive patio and the pool with the 50-foot slide, stretched a seemingly endless view of the San Diego night in three directions.

It is, in this setting, difficult to feel sorry for Merriman or understand his reasons for not being in training camp.

However, viewing Merriman only in the context of a large house with a Ferrari (and just a couple of other expensive cars) in the garage is to fail to at least try.

Whether it changes the way his words and deeds are viewed, to know of the worry and the wondering that framed Merriman's formative years is to at least understand a little better why he is doing what he's doing.

In a 90-minute conversation this week, at the request of the Union-Tribune, Merriman shed some light on the mindset that got him here and will take him into whatever future he has, both immediate and long-term.

He steadfastly maintains he doesn't know when he will be in camp, if at all. He says he is approaching all decisions on a "truly day-to-day" basis.

He does acknowledge when asked how after two years blighted by injury he can again be considered one of the game's most fearsome players, "I'm going to have to get on the field and show it.""