"The Raiders introduced their head coach, Dennis Allen, Monday at team headquarters. We now hold a news conference about that news conference:

Q: What new and different things did Allen promise for the Raiders?

A: Hello. Every new-coach news conference is a veritable Niagara Falls of white noise and cliches. Allen said he will have an "up-tempo offense." Who has a down-tempo offense?

Any new coach is essentially saying, "Here I am, this is how I look in person, this is how I sound, please listen to my generic enthusiasm for 45 minutes and form an overall impression of me. Then enjoy the complimentary lunch."

Q: Free lunch?

A: Cold cuts and salads, a decent spread.

Q: So what is your opinion of Allen?

A: Genuinely enthusiastic and eager. Kind of Boy Scout-ish, which is not a bad thing. Allen said of his future staff, "I want guys who are going to be loyal, committed guys to the cause. I think honesty and integrity go a long way.""