"What do Al Capone's vault, the long-awaited Guns N' Roses album Chinese Democracy and Y2K hysteria have in common?

They all lived up to the hype better than last night's Red Sox game.

Adrian Gonzalez played right field. David Ortiz played first base. Neither of them screwed up in the field. Neither of them did much at the plate.

What was billed as something between Armageddon and the Apocalypse — what if Gonzalez impaled himself on the right field foul pole? What if Ortiz dropped every throw and the Red Sox failed to record an out? — instead could best be represented by the sound of a deflating balloon.

The Red Sox lost to the Philadelphia Phillies, 2-1. Gonzalez and Ortiz combined to go 1-for-8. They also combined to make exactly one play in the field on a night when most of the action was on the left side of the diamond. Ortiz fielded a Domonic Brown chopper to end the fourth for the unassisted out, and that was it.

"I came out alive," a joking Ortiz said. "That's a good thing."

It is of course not Ortiz' or Gonzalez' fault that their position swaps became such big news. Between the column inches and talk radio airtime devoted to the topic, it was as if we were awaiting a smoke signal from the Vatican. Manager Terry Francona openly agonized about it, too.

In reality, unless they mashed at the plate, last night was destined to be a disappointment. Neither was going to play beyond his means in the field. Ortiz even went so far as to kindly ask the opposition for mercy, joking that he talked to good friend and Phillies left-handed slugging first baseman Ryan Howard about hitting the ball the other way to left field.

"I have a little chat with him before the game," Ortiz said. "I told him, 'I've got a family waiting for me at home.' He was like, 'All right, Papi, we'll try to stay away from that.'?"

Gonzalez left the clubhouse without comment, but really, what was there for him to say that he hasn't said very patiently about 50 times this week? No, he's not afraid of playing the outfield. Yes, he'll be careful. No, it's not a big deal."